Following Jesus comes at a cost for many believers from a Muslim background. Mariam (name changed), who met Jesus after fleeing war in Syria, shares what it cost her, and why she has no regrets.

As a schoolgirl in Syria, I had many Christian friends. I wondered why they always seemed happy. I come from a strict Sunni Muslim family, and it always felt like there was anger, not happiness. My mum used to tell me that I need to pray, and to clean myself before prayers, because if I didn’t, I would go to hell. I wanted to know more about God and why God treats us this way.

My mum knew that I had Christian friends, so she removed me from school. At 15, I couldn’t leave my house, and my mum wouldn’t let my friends visit.

Escaping but still trapped

When I was 19, my family wanted me to get married. I accepted because I wanted to stop being confined at home. Yet, my relationship with my husband was built on force. I was told that no matter what happened, I must obey and listen to him – that’s what Islam said. I had no freedom. I asked God, “Where are you? Why do you allow these things to happen to me?”

When the war started in Syria, my husband left me alone. My children and I stayed with my parents until he phoned saying he was in Lebanon and wanted me to come.

In Lebanon we lived in a dirty, windowless place, with rats, and mould that made us ill. We had very little electricity, and it was cold. I was not allowed to leave the house. My husband used to beat me and do whatever he wanted because my parents were not there. Our neighbour noticed our circumstances and she convinced my husband to let me go to get some help from an organisation nearby.

The place I went to for help was amazing. I saw people praying and worshipping, and knew it was a church. I told them about our situation and they came to my house and prayed for us.

“I advise you not to read that”

When my husband found out about their visit, he washed the floor with salt water, believing this would cleanse these unrighteous people and spirit from the house. He saw the Bible they left and said, “I advise you not to read this because it is not true.”

I always listened to him because I feared him, so I covered up the Bible. I told the children not to touch it, but every time I looked, I found the Bible open. I would ask the kids, “Who touched it?” and they would say, “We did not.” It felt like the Bible opened by itself so I could see it.

“You are mine”

I decided to start reading the Bible. I got to Matthew 5, where it says that we are the salt of the earth. I kept repeating this verse, because it just got to me. Then I heard this voice in my head saying, “My daughter, you are mine.” This voice spoke to me three times, and it had a softness and peace. I will never forget it. It was the first time I felt somebody talking to me with love, care and kindness.

I went to the church and told them my story. They said, “Mariam, this is the Lord talking to you. The Lord is calling you to serve him. He calls you his own daughter.” I started secretly going there as much as I could. During one meeting, they prayed for me and told me, “You need to take Jesus as your saviour.” I said to them, “If Jesus is my freedom, then I am ready to take him.” I took that decision and I have never regretted it.

I used to be angry and unhappy. After believing in Jesus, God gave me comfort, rest and patience.

Losing my family

Once my husband saw the Bible open with my notes. He tore it, and beat me badly in front of our children, saying, “Instead of reading this wrong and false book, you should read the Qur’an.” I told him the Bible told me about a God who gives me love and mercy. He started beating me again. When my parents heard about it, they were very upset. My mum said that unless I went back to Islam, I wasn’t her daughter anymore.

My husband gave me a choice: Jesus or the family. I chose Jesus. I lost my mum, my dad and my children. I’m a new person with Jesus, but it was very difficult.

When we went to court, the judge gave me custody of the children and my husband could visit. One day he took the children and didn’t bring them back. Three days later, the kids phoned and told me they were back in Syria. My mum told me to go back and reconcile with my husband, even though he had married again.

“I got to Matthew 5, where it says that we are the salt of the earth. I kept repeating this verse, because it just got to me.”

I cried, “Jesus, I love you and I want to be with you. But why this is happening to me and these children you gave to me?” I tried every way possible to get my children back, but with no success. I asked Jesus to help me carry this burden because I could not do it myself.

Finding my calling

I love my children; they are my whole world. Yet when they were taken away, God used me. I started serving with the church, discipling local groups and working with children.

The church introduced me and some others to [CMS partner] TN, who told us that God has a plan and a calling for us. I had never thought about that, but since I was young, I always dreamed of being a teacher. As a child, my family told me that I could not do much because I’m a woman, but TN increased my passion to serve the Lord. Their training gets people to start being creative, to take initiative, to think about how they are going to change their life and how they’re going to reach others.

As well as working with children and young people, I lead a service for women from a Kurdish tribe, 80 women in 10 groups like house churches. I preach the gospel. I am a missionary.

This is what God has opened up for me.

“This is your daughter”

In summer 2023, nine years after losing my children, I was shocked to receive a message: “Mum, this is your daughter. Please talk to me.” I couldn’t believe it. I asked her how she had found me. She had been looking for me for three years on social media and found somebody who knew me and gave her my number.

My daughter told me she loved and missed me, and begged me to come and get her. As she was now 18, my ex-husband wanted to get her married. I went to one of the pastors of the church and asked for help to bring her back to me.

She was able to escape and come to me. She told me, “Mum, I used to pray every day and say, ‘God, why did you take away my mum?’ I used to see you in my dream, coming out from a white wall wearing a white dress and telling me, ‘I’m going to bring you home.’”

“Don’t give up”

My passion is to work with women who have been through similar experiences. I tell them the story of how my daughter came back. And I tell them that through all the hardship, God is still at work, God will bless you and God will use you. For a long time, I was by myself. It was very hard, but the Lord was my backbone, which made me not give up and lose hope.

When I talk to these women, I tell them that they need to trust the Lord because he will take them through the pain. My message is that you need to allow Jesus to come in your life because he will give you joy. So don’t give up. I had always been sad, but the Lord gave me this smile and this happiness that I can share with others. I’m a new creation because of Jesus – and that is the message I want to tell everyone.

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